I am leaving Korea, that is definite. What will happen from there is a bit murky, but I have an email agreement with my former landlord that I will move into my old building in LA come September. This leaves me with anxiety and excitement, sadness and elation. Now that I really think about leaving I feel like crying a bit, but I know that the future is always bright, for everyone who still has a pulse so it won't be bad. Change is always scary, I just have to learn to deal with it better. I am a chronic worrier so that doesn't help.
I just don't really know what's next, I try to make plans but they often fall short or behind me. I know that if I have the money I plan to save when I go home, I should be fine without a job for at least 2 months, if not 3 and I know I can get a tutoring or subbing gig fairly easily. It's just really hard to wrap my head around paying rent, expensive rent and not having the (often) excessive lifestyle I enjoy now. It is stupid and selfish, but life here is so easy and free. It is not reality, it is really enjoying your youth and I like that. I'm still a crotchety old lady, but I think I'm a bit better at playing the young game since I've been here.
So my immediate plans are to get through these next few painful weeks at school (endless lesson plans, an open house, ridiculous big test, and even more ridiculous progress reports), enjoy what I can of Seoul and Korea by being a tourist, and get the hell out of dodge. And not just in any way, but by doing the thing I love the most, traveling and exploring. This time back to Indonesia and 2 new places: Thailand and Cambodia. This is when I will really want time to move slow, I want to enjoy it and not rush it. I want to really feel that salty ocean water, even if I'm swallowing it down. I want to relish the sun, the food, the hot boys. I know it will be amazing, but then I have to get back to that reality I'm so worried about. This next year has to be about me finishing school, achieving my M.A. Ed. and maybe even getting a bit of experience in.
Then I want to let go and leave again...I don't want to live in the United States really for too long and that's all there is to it. Reading the news this last year just leaves me depressed. Between the oil spills, tea-baggers, gay marriage still not being legal...I don't want to be a part of it right now and I'm not sure when I really will be ready for it. I know other countries have their problems, but I'm always more on the outside of it then really in it. I don't feel liable if I'm not there. So one year and out, I think I can do it. I can make it happen...
...not that I have been thinking about this too much, but when it does come up it can be quite bothersome. When did privacy become stigmatized as something bad or shameful? (and in posting about this, I know how hypocritical I'm being seeing as how I post some of my private thoughts onto an internet blog for all the world to see) ....and I'm not just talking about internet privacy, though the shenanigans at facebook are ugly reminders of how little we control the privacy of our social networking profiles.
...there is also the privacy issue of sharing information with perfect strangers when our credit cards are stolen or we want to know the balance of our bank accounts which is also a pet peeve of mine. How can we really trust those people on the other end of the line, what safeguards have the businesses who employ them put in place? Background checks? Big deal, I have passed many of those but can sometimes (often) be morally ambiguous in my deeds and activities.
I have also dealt with another privacy issue that I have to admit, bothers me much more than the once previously mentioned. I think once I move back home to the States, this should be a non-issue. It's privacy of home and self. Back home I was very content in the fact that after a hard day or week of work; I could go home, close the door, peel off my clothes, lay in bed, drink wine, watch bad television, read a book, and think little of the encounters or people I had to deal with that day or week.
Not so in Korea or perhaps in the daily life of an ESL teacher in a foreign country. I'm sure those who work in public or university schools have a different experience, but for the most part, socializing with those you work with is ideal. Mostly because we work long hard days and we don't want to venture too far from home. I have made wonderful friendships with past and present coworkers in every job I have worked so I have no complaints there. It just is hard to be around the same people all day, every day.
There is also the conundrum that often, you live in very close proximity to your fellow teachers. My situation may be a bit more unique in that the entire floor of my building is just coworkers. And while I like them all for the most part, it can be quite exhausting when you are expected to answer your phone, answer your door, appease the masses when you just want to shut yourself away from everyone when the work is done.
I adore my alone time and hermit ways and mean no offense to anybody in my life now or previously, but come on...privacy should be a right, not a privilege. So, I greatly look forward to the day when I will be back in an overpriced LA studio, my anonymity rightly restored and I'll only have to shyly smile or nod at the fellow neighbors I know nothing about. This is coming from a generally private city girl who doesn't necessarily want to know your business, either.
So, I just signed up for a Latino dating site because I am utterly ridiculous and I have to admit I have been craving some sort of male attention. Does that mean I will accept ogling of carefully cropped photos of myself by old 40-something Mexicanos on the intrawebs as male attention? You betcha!
I mean, jeez, no man has really paid any kind of real attention to me since I have arrived in Korea last July. So, I got one Korean's number one time and he said he liked my hair, big deal. So I held hands with a male co-worker one drunken night, who cares? So what if at a writer's group night some stand up comedians said I had Bambi eyes, like that matters.
This is not real admiration or devotion, I need someone to evaluate my online profile and deem it worthy enough to send me a grammatically incorrect message equipped with smiley faces and lols. I need someone to send me a "wink" and maybe eventually add me on facebook and comment that I am beautiful. I need someone who will say that when I get back to the States, they want to meet the real-live me...not the uber-enhanced or uber-undisclosed version of me.
I want someone to want me in an online sort of way, intensely and in large quantities. I want more than one admirer, future lover, guesser of my real weight. I want it all and I don't ever want it to enter into reality. I want the fantasy and I want it now.
Gosh, I am almost finished here...or am I? I have a plan, or some sort of resemblance of a plan for when I am officially finished with my contract. A phase has already been observed, the booking of my ticket to Indonesia...my one way ticket there, rather. I have just about two more months and then I will be in Indonesia with Deborah...and will I be wondering what's next when I'm there or will I have something set in a malleable stone??
The initial plan was this...finish my contract, go to Indonesia, then book a ticket to Thailand and just roam around. Eventually reaching Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos...and then go back to Seoul, get my bags, and book it to NYC where I can hang with my cousin, his hubby, and my mom for a bit. Then, my mom and I could drive back to Ohio, hang out, then I would fly to LA sometime in September. I had planned on saving $5000, which I still will, so I can have some sort of cushion while I find a job and get my life situated again somehow...
The slight variation of this plan would be to apply to a school in Tokyo in mid-May where the contract would be from September - March (only six months). Not that I would definitely get the job, but it could be an option. Six months would definitely be ideal for me. So then, my travel plans would change, I would probably just go to Indonesia and then go home until a contract in Japan would begin. Mostly because, I could travel after my contract would end there as it would probably be a bit cheaper to get around that time of year. Then go home the same way, and make a life in LA again somehow.
Now, I have something else, which is highly unlikely to happen or be a definite...but a friend in Korea who works at a university just posted on facebook that his school will be having an opening for the fall semester. Only six months, yet again, which would be awesome...but with the option of a year in March. This is much more money than I'm getting now and more than I would receive in Japan, plus a more desirable position with few hours and worry. I have no idea if I would even be considered for the position based on my resume, but I have a solid year of teaching experience back home and will have one year here; plus my edumacation back home which essentially is a teaching degree and masters.
If this were to happen, by some miracle, I would be so happy. Not because I would still be in Korea necessarily, but because I could actually save some money, get awesome and valid teaching experience which would look wonderful on my resume, and actually be able to travel around more than I've been able to. It would also change my life plans dramatically and throw my goals for the future into limbo for a bit. I mean, I'm not getting any younger at this point and I really need to get my actual teaching credential back home so I can teach abroad and make better money in places that I really want to be.
The bigger problem in all of this, then, is me hopelessly getting my hopes up. Often when I really want or desire something, I fall flat on my face. Even if it is hopelessly hopeless for me to get a position in Japan or a university position in Korea, I must take everything in stride and just be happy with the cards that are laid because this is life...rolling with the punches and not crying too hard when it doesn't work out just the way we want it.
I have decided to leave behind my theme blog of Korea and just write...a blog about me and my life. Which has been the cool thing to do for awhile, now, right??? I'm just now jumping on the bandwagon, which is all fine and good. And who knows if I'll even keep up with anything, I just want some documentation like everyone else. That I was here, I existed in some realm and did something with my life. If I have to join in the blogging ranks, write online to do that, then I will. What is this modern life without some kind of self-absorbed relevancy?
I want to write a little bit about "A Nightmare on Elm Street". I was reading up on this franchise last night, because why the hell not? ...also because when I was watching these films back in the 80s and early 90s, we had no such thing as wikipedia where you can read endless facts and figures about whatever the hell you want. I thought Wes Craven's inspiration for the first film was so interesting, about young Asian men who were having nightmares and then would just suddenly die in their sleep. Apparently this was genetic and while Asian culture added some mysticism to the lore surrounding these events, more is being found out about a linked syndrome and causes/reasons for the deaths.
This gets me into dreams and the act of dreaming, about what really happens to you and what you pull in from your waking life. Over the years, I've heard things about people sleepwalking and doing terrible things or actually killing loved ones. What were they dreaming about? Are they just convincing con artists who wanted to fulfill murderous intentions? Could something happen in your dreams that is so frightening that it causes something physical in your body to react? And what about talking in your sleep? Sometimes, this can cause more harm than one would expect. I am a sleeptalker and I often worry about sleeping around people who could call me out on some outrageous mumblings coming out of my mouth...causing havoc on the perceptions of those around me.
I ran into this last weekend, when I had to sleep in a room of 25+ people on a hiking trip. I, of course, slept fitfully and probably did not get to the deep sleep required to start babbling. I did hear one person talk and felt a little less alone and frightened about my own hang-ups. We are truly not unique in this world, that is for sure.
