Time After Time
You know that moment where everything is messy before it is clean? I'm in that moment right now and paralyzed to get myself out of it. I have actually been procrastinating for the last month and I think it is my subconscious brain, refusing to move yet again. I really really want to move to Honduras, but my mental health can't take another transition so soon. I want to get the hell out of Los Angeles, but I really need an actual kick in the ass to get myself in gear. Where's my mom when I need her?
I have some unfinished business in LA in that there are some things I still want to do. So, this is my open invitation to anyone who would like to do these things with me. I am making a list and I may add more later, but now I only have 3 weeks to accomplish it. I did this in Seoul too, though I didn't get through the list it made me feel better that I did get to check some things off. So here it is (please message me or comment if you want to do any or all of the things on the list):
1. Angel's Flight thing in downtown (the streetcar on Hill, it is really cheap) : Did this on June 3rd
2. Picture taking on Broadway in downtown
3. Dodger's game (preferably on a Friday when they have fireworks)
4. LACMA (Tim Burton exhibit)
5. Hang out/take pictures on Vermont in Los Feliz (I pass through here everyday on my way to and from work on the bus and it looks fantastic plus House of Pies...I want to go to there)
6. Santa Anita racetrack? Not sure if I'll have time, but I think it would be fun : There are no races before I leave
7. Malibu (I still have never been and I heard Zuma Beach is amazing)
8. Instead of boat tour, watch a movie at Hollywood Forever Cemetery (Heathers is showing June 18th)
Ok, that's what I have for now. I don't see myself finishing everything, but it's worth a shot. Let me know if you'd like to join me on any of these expeditions! The more the merrier. And I really believe this will be the end of me living in Los Angeles, hence the list. Perhaps I will visit, but I don't really feel like this is home anymore. I will miss everyone here so would love to see some of you before I leave and might as well do something cool in the city at the same time!
I am lame, I haven't posted anything in a year! In my defense, I started another blog about going out and doing things in LA on the cheap (although I did abandon that as well). I just have to admit to myself that I'm not great at this and I do get so busy that maintaining a blog usually becomes impossible for me. But some things have changed to where I think I need to make myself update something, at least so my family and friends can know what the hell is going on with me.
So I'm moving out of the country again. This is the main reason I came back to this blog. This year has been a whirlwind of me getting my ass in gear to finish school and get my credential. Thankfully, I am almost done. I have my final class and I'm finishing up student teaching. I have just less than five weeks left. I should graduate and receive my Master's/preliminary teaching credential by the end of June.
I started to stomp the pavement, sending out my resume to nearly every international school that had even a hint of an opening I would be qualified for. I also applied to every history position I saw for California. Unfortunately, I have never even been called for an interview for this state which is sad and disheartening. I do, however, continue to receive rejection emails in my inbox. Oh joy. So there were a few game changers with this. First of all, I found out from the credentialing commission that I could clear my credential internationally by working at a regionally accredited school and completing an online program. Because of this, there was no reason to keep looking for jobs here. My dream is to teach abroad so might as well do just that as soon as I'm able.
I started to get emails and calls for international positions. Within a one week time period, I had interviews for Korea, the UAE, and Honduras. I really didn't know how I felt about all of these places. I really didn't want to go back to Korea so fast after leaving (plus it is a University position, not teaching history). Also, it is in a very small city in the south. If I would go back, I of course would prefer Seoul. I still have friends there and I like big city life. I also didn't know how I felt about the UAE, obviously because it's in the middle east and all of the stereotypes and fears surrounding that region. After the interview, I decided it sounded even less appealing as I would have to deal with ridiculously rich self-entitled children who aren't used to hearing "no". Plus, with my background they wanted me to do kindergarten again. No thank you. I want to teach history to mini-adults. Point, blank, period.
Let's see...Honduras. I really didn't know much about it except that it is in Central America and hot, with some Mayan ruins. That sounded pretty appealing. When I started doing additional research, it didn't look like the most appealing place on earth (rampant poverty, one of the highest murder rates in the world, muggings are common) but things are not always what they seem when you don't actually live within a society. I know most people were really worried about earthquakes and crime when I moved to LA (I have only felt two smallish earthquakes in my time here and direct crime hasn't affected me yet though watch out for road rage drivers annnndd I'm knocking on wood). Also, everyone freaked when I announced my move to Korea ("Which Korea are you moving to?"....ughhh, as if Kim Jong-il would let Americans move there willingly dur..).
I mean, really. Even when I was traveling in Southwest Asia I heard terrible tales about thugs cutting off my fingers for a white gold ring if I wore it and keeping my money only close to my body hidden. There is always this awful fear of the unknown that is perpetuated. I know that bad things happen in the world and I don't intend to be naive or trusting, but come on. Some things people fear are just ridiculous. I don't know how some people accomplish anything, to be quite honest. Ok, so there's my unintended rant for this post. Moving on..
The interview for Honduras went extremely well and both the superintendent and the principal for the high school are Americans (United Statesians?). After a week, they offered me a social studies position. Ok, the package for this international school is not as great as other international schools, but it is a great way for me to travel and get my foot in the door of the international teaching community. Plus, it is actually a wonderful package for a developing country. I will obviously be making much much more than locals and will actually be able to save quite a bit since the cost of living is so low.
My package includes a very comfortable salary where I can save at least a thousand every month, free housing and utilities (though I will have to live with another teacher or two), insurance, round trip airfare x2 (they will send me home after a year as this is a two-year contract), a gym membership, and some of my costs to move reimbursed. This is wonderful for a beginning teacher. It will actually work out to be more than I would make in a school starting out here in LA since I won't have to pay the exorbitant rent. Also, I received the school calendar and the holidays are ridiculous. I will have ample time to travel around if I choose to do so.
So, status on this...I'm waiting for the finalized contract and my official start date. I found out yesterday that I will be teaching 12 graders and my subjects include economics, philosophy, and 20th century history. I don't know how comfortable I feel about the economics, but my teacher at student teaching has many resources to pass on to me for that subject so I'm not too worried. My next steps are a mile-long to do list which involve vaccinations, background check, packing, etc. etc...all while finishing up my Master's. Ha, I always seem to bite off more than I can chew. I also plan to go to Ohio for about a month and then flying to Honduras from there so I can spend time with family. I'm hoping all of this goes as smooth as possible.
I do have some regrets. I'm leaving so fast, I haven't even been back a full year and this is happening fairly quickly. I definitely didn't get to spend as much time with friends in LA as I would have liked. But I'm so extremely busy and I know my friends are too. I also have had little to no money since being back, as soon as I had the ball rolling on three jobs I had to quit one in order to student teach. This has really hit me in the pocket. Also, I got rid of my car which further hinders my ability to hang with people. If you are reading this and haven't seen me since I got back to Korea, I'm sorry and I miss you and hopefully our paths will cross at some point before I leave. If not, I know people are in our lives for a reason. This year was, unfortunately, not about cultivating relationships for me. That is regrettable as people are amazing. I still love all of you and do think of you often. I hope your lives are wonderful.
In other news, I was in the audience of the Glee finale last night ("Nationals") and I made eye contact with Puckerman. Yeah...be jealous...
who knows if the moon's
a balloon, coming out of a keen city
in the sky--filled with pretty people?
(and if you and i should
get into it, if they
should take me and take you into their balloon,
why then
we'd go up higher with all the pretty people
than houses and steeples and clouds:
go sailing
away and away sailing into a keen
city which nobody's ever visited, where
always
it's
Spring) and everyone's
in love and flowers pick themselves
---e.e. cummings
Sometimes I really cry about this, as if my ultimate purpose in life is not being fulilled. As if I am a loser. As if every other woman on my facebook is better than me... Is one-upping me.
I am single. Motherhood is not yet on my radar. But do I not flinch when a baby is near me? Do I not swoon when an opportunity to hold one (a baby) is given to me?
I am still a woman. Motherhood still beckons my name. But right now, it is not right. I would make a terrible mother right now, even if I am almost 30. Sometimes I wonder if this trend is unique to me, but I know it is not.
There are many other women, out there right now, feeling the same way as I do. Our gender constructs can not be defined in this moment and it kills us. We are not real women, we are not feminine. We have some kind of plague because we choose another path. We are strong, masculine, have larger goals but we still yearn for this ultimate feminine gift of motherhood. Don't misunderstand us...or else we will misunderstand you..
So, my aunt finally received her kidney transplant after several years of being on dialysis and having other countless medical problems. My uncle donated his kidney and it really is such an amazing thing. According to updates, the surgery went great and they are both in recovery; and the kidney seems to already be working. I don't even have the words to express how happy I am so I'll just leave it at that.
In other news, Buddha's birthday is this weekend and that means a three-day weekend to celebrate. Of course, debauchery will ensue amongst the expat community here which just makes me giggle and of course feel sad. Sometimes it is quite annoying when you realize the perceptions of Americans and other westerners are, in fact, quite spot on and that as an expat you have to witness embarrassing behavior often...and sometimes even be the culprit.
This past weekend was the Lotus Lantern Festival and Buddha Street Festival, both of which culminated in a beautiful parade. Here are some highlights:
...not that I have been thinking about this too much, but when it does come up it can be quite bothersome. When did privacy become stigmatized as something bad or shameful? (and in posting about this, I know how hypocritical I'm being seeing as how I post some of my private thoughts onto an internet blog for all the world to see) ....and I'm not just talking about internet privacy, though the shenanigans at facebook are ugly reminders of how little we control the privacy of our social networking profiles.
...there is also the privacy issue of sharing information with perfect strangers when our credit cards are stolen or we want to know the balance of our bank accounts which is also a pet peeve of mine. How can we really trust those people on the other end of the line, what safeguards have the businesses who employ them put in place? Background checks? Big deal, I have passed many of those but can sometimes (often) be morally ambiguous in my deeds and activities.
I have also dealt with another privacy issue that I have to admit, bothers me much more than the once previously mentioned. I think once I move back home to the States, this should be a non-issue. It's privacy of home and self. Back home I was very content in the fact that after a hard day or week of work; I could go home, close the door, peel off my clothes, lay in bed, drink wine, watch bad television, read a book, and think little of the encounters or people I had to deal with that day or week.
Not so in Korea or perhaps in the daily life of an ESL teacher in a foreign country. I'm sure those who work in public or university schools have a different experience, but for the most part, socializing with those you work with is ideal. Mostly because we work long hard days and we don't want to venture too far from home. I have made wonderful friendships with past and present coworkers in every job I have worked so I have no complaints there. It just is hard to be around the same people all day, every day.
There is also the conundrum that often, you live in very close proximity to your fellow teachers. My situation may be a bit more unique in that the entire floor of my building is just coworkers. And while I like them all for the most part, it can be quite exhausting when you are expected to answer your phone, answer your door, appease the masses when you just want to shut yourself away from everyone when the work is done.
I adore my alone time and hermit ways and mean no offense to anybody in my life now or previously, but come on...privacy should be a right, not a privilege. So, I greatly look forward to the day when I will be back in an overpriced LA studio, my anonymity rightly restored and I'll only have to shyly smile or nod at the fellow neighbors I know nothing about. This is coming from a generally private city girl who doesn't necessarily want to know your business, either.
So, I just signed up for a Latino dating site because I am utterly ridiculous and I have to admit I have been craving some sort of male attention. Does that mean I will accept ogling of carefully cropped photos of myself by old 40-something Mexicanos on the intrawebs as male attention? You betcha!
I mean, jeez, no man has really paid any kind of real attention to me since I have arrived in Korea last July. So, I got one Korean's number one time and he said he liked my hair, big deal. So I held hands with a male co-worker one drunken night, who cares? So what if at a writer's group night some stand up comedians said I had Bambi eyes, like that matters.
This is not real admiration or devotion, I need someone to evaluate my online profile and deem it worthy enough to send me a grammatically incorrect message equipped with smiley faces and lols. I need someone to send me a "wink" and maybe eventually add me on facebook and comment that I am beautiful. I need someone who will say that when I get back to the States, they want to meet the real-live me...not the uber-enhanced or uber-undisclosed version of me.
I want someone to want me in an online sort of way, intensely and in large quantities. I want more than one admirer, future lover, guesser of my real weight. I want it all and I don't ever want it to enter into reality. I want the fantasy and I want it now.
Gosh, I am almost finished here...or am I? I have a plan, or some sort of resemblance of a plan for when I am officially finished with my contract. A phase has already been observed, the booking of my ticket to Indonesia...my one way ticket there, rather. I have just about two more months and then I will be in Indonesia with Deborah...and will I be wondering what's next when I'm there or will I have something set in a malleable stone??
The initial plan was this...finish my contract, go to Indonesia, then book a ticket to Thailand and just roam around. Eventually reaching Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos...and then go back to Seoul, get my bags, and book it to NYC where I can hang with my cousin, his hubby, and my mom for a bit. Then, my mom and I could drive back to Ohio, hang out, then I would fly to LA sometime in September. I had planned on saving $5000, which I still will, so I can have some sort of cushion while I find a job and get my life situated again somehow...
The slight variation of this plan would be to apply to a school in Tokyo in mid-May where the contract would be from September - March (only six months). Not that I would definitely get the job, but it could be an option. Six months would definitely be ideal for me. So then, my travel plans would change, I would probably just go to Indonesia and then go home until a contract in Japan would begin. Mostly because, I could travel after my contract would end there as it would probably be a bit cheaper to get around that time of year. Then go home the same way, and make a life in LA again somehow.
Now, I have something else, which is highly unlikely to happen or be a definite...but a friend in Korea who works at a university just posted on facebook that his school will be having an opening for the fall semester. Only six months, yet again, which would be awesome...but with the option of a year in March. This is much more money than I'm getting now and more than I would receive in Japan, plus a more desirable position with few hours and worry. I have no idea if I would even be considered for the position based on my resume, but I have a solid year of teaching experience back home and will have one year here; plus my edumacation back home which essentially is a teaching degree and masters.
If this were to happen, by some miracle, I would be so happy. Not because I would still be in Korea necessarily, but because I could actually save some money, get awesome and valid teaching experience which would look wonderful on my resume, and actually be able to travel around more than I've been able to. It would also change my life plans dramatically and throw my goals for the future into limbo for a bit. I mean, I'm not getting any younger at this point and I really need to get my actual teaching credential back home so I can teach abroad and make better money in places that I really want to be.
The bigger problem in all of this, then, is me hopelessly getting my hopes up. Often when I really want or desire something, I fall flat on my face. Even if it is hopelessly hopeless for me to get a position in Japan or a university position in Korea, I must take everything in stride and just be happy with the cards that are laid because this is life...rolling with the punches and not crying too hard when it doesn't work out just the way we want it.
I have decided to leave behind my theme blog of Korea and just write...a blog about me and my life. Which has been the cool thing to do for awhile, now, right??? I'm just now jumping on the bandwagon, which is all fine and good. And who knows if I'll even keep up with anything, I just want some documentation like everyone else. That I was here, I existed in some realm and did something with my life. If I have to join in the blogging ranks, write online to do that, then I will. What is this modern life without some kind of self-absorbed relevancy?
I want to write a little bit about "A Nightmare on Elm Street". I was reading up on this franchise last night, because why the hell not? ...also because when I was watching these films back in the 80s and early 90s, we had no such thing as wikipedia where you can read endless facts and figures about whatever the hell you want. I thought Wes Craven's inspiration for the first film was so interesting, about young Asian men who were having nightmares and then would just suddenly die in their sleep. Apparently this was genetic and while Asian culture added some mysticism to the lore surrounding these events, more is being found out about a linked syndrome and causes/reasons for the deaths.
This gets me into dreams and the act of dreaming, about what really happens to you and what you pull in from your waking life. Over the years, I've heard things about people sleepwalking and doing terrible things or actually killing loved ones. What were they dreaming about? Are they just convincing con artists who wanted to fulfill murderous intentions? Could something happen in your dreams that is so frightening that it causes something physical in your body to react? And what about talking in your sleep? Sometimes, this can cause more harm than one would expect. I am a sleeptalker and I often worry about sleeping around people who could call me out on some outrageous mumblings coming out of my mouth...causing havoc on the perceptions of those around me.
I ran into this last weekend, when I had to sleep in a room of 25+ people on a hiking trip. I, of course, slept fitfully and probably did not get to the deep sleep required to start babbling. I did hear one person talk and felt a little less alone and frightened about my own hang-ups. We are truly not unique in this world, that is for sure.
